90 days?

90 days... This is my promise. What exactly does this mean? Well, for some time now I have secretly struggled to better myself, to become what I desire inside to be on the outside. It is no secret that all of us at some point or another want to become something other than ourselves. Something greater, something better, something more significant. I have eluded previously that I have had this inside me and while great personal progress has been made, the circle is still incomplete. I have felt before that I receive momentary windows of clarity and I have received one today. I won't explain the circumstances that have brought me to this point but I will explain the next steps I will take. I would also like to note that I currently have a great life. There are very few things that I need or even want and by many standards I lead an over privleged and successful existence. However, this is not what this is about. It is not about whether someone thinks I have it all or are envious of things I have done. I have slowly learned that gratitude will only take you so far. It is wonderful to be thought of highly by family and friends but it ultimately doesn't change how you see yourself. I should also state that I don't have some sort of existing complex where I think poorly or negatively of myself. I am happy and I am proud, but that doesn't mean that there is more. I am looking to transform myself into a great friend, the best son, the most loving boyfriend, and the finest individual I can be. It is increasingly painful to live a life that is not representative externally of the life that is living internally and 90 days is just the beginning. My focus for this time is to cleanse myself of things that poison me, to seek spiritual guidance in all its forms and to strive toward my physical peak. I do not expect that this period will bring a permanent existence but I do expect it to place me onto my destined path. It will start with clearing my body of food that is counterproductive to my health, of alcohol, of any form of nicotine and any other substance that will poison my progress. If I set myself on this path, the rest should take care of itself. Wanting it is easy, but doing this, well, that will be absolutely torturous. I will make notes on here along the way to document this journey. There will be unlimited opportunities to stop myself from progress but I will try to endure each battle and each session of pain in order to reach the strongest mental, physical and spiritual state that I have ever seen. It begins in 5 days. good luck.

Chrishanukkah

Well folks, Christmas is barreling down on me like a atomic-bomb laden with bitter cold, sparkly lights and a catchy jingle. Anyone who knows anything, realizes death by jingle is the worst way to go. Christmas, like most of reality, was much better when I was a child. For one, I didn't have to get anyone anything. Although, Mom was the exception and I would make her something like an oven mitt at school and with great pride await her to bestow her gratuitous thanks upon me. Don't get me wrong, I love the anticipation of someone opening a present I had bought them and then the actual opening, which usually lasts about 26 seconds. Other than that, the processes is wretched. The planning, the finding, fighting through the mini-van and SUV stuffed parking lots, hoping you made the right choice, hoping you spent enough, trying to track packages down from overworked mail persons, it is all nauseating. Also, when I was a kid, Christmas lasted about 16 hours. We had Christmas eve, Christmas morning and after dinner my gift unwrapping high had already plummeted and I was planning my selections for the following year. Fast forward to present day. Christmas planning now begins a few days before Thanksgiving, which is ludicrous, and will continue a full 2 days beyond Christmas day. Every year I seem to buy more and more people more and more stuff and go to more and more Christmas functions. I used to think Ebenezer Scrooge was such a drag, but now I just want to hang out with him and exchange neatly wrapped boxes of our discontent. Truth be told, I will probably have much more fun than I act like, it just doesn't make for a very good post, at least not for me, I will let somebody else tell you stories of Christmas miracles.

groundhog day

If you have ever seen the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day you will know what I am talking about, if you haven't you are probably a female or an idiot. No, no, I am not comparing the two, it just isn't a very female friendly movie. Ok, if you are a female and have seen it and do like it, you probably are the type of gal that always had a lot of guy friends, or you really like Andie McDowell and those are entirely different stereotypes all together. Sorry, now back on track, this day has sort of felt just like the day before. I am in the early stages of a deep cyclical abyss. Wake up, breakfast, work, work, work, come home, sit, blank out, sleep and ZZANG!! The alarm sounds again. For all that is great about my 7 days off of work, the pendulum swings the other way into all that is miserable. Now, most normal people do not suffer, at least in this measure, from the boredom of the everyday working man's life. However, my senses are acutely attuned to how bloody miserable each ticking second can be when you are working for someone else, doing job as a means to an end, or just working period. Working is a curse. Although I have always had a pretty low tolerance for pain so it is probably the fact that I am a huge vagina which doesn't allow me to deal well with the fact that I am overpaid for a job that is not that difficult, and it gives me all the means to all the ends I need. I may be in a fortunate position, nevertheless, it is my also good fortune that I still don't feel bad complaining about it. Besides, there is always another rung to cling to on the societal ladder. There are plenty of folks a rung or two ahead going, "man, that guy's job sucks", while the rest of you climb upward in hope. Just remember, we are all on the same damn ladder and eventually that climb all leads to the same place. Why what place is that? uuhhh, Death... Well that is not really a place, more a state of being, or not being. Anyway, don't be jealous of your neighbor, "I believe the bible says that", because your neighbor may get hit by school bus," I don't believe the bible said that." Well, enough about religion, there are more pressing matters at hand like politics. The government has robbed most of you good folks of your personal freedoms, finances, decisions, and futures all the while touting your provided safety in the American blanket for the past few years. Some of this may be true, but don't doubt the lasting affect of these times. Just ask all those Talibani who helped their parents and grandparents defeat the Soviets that were spraying gunfire and bombs down on their village like a Sam's club size can of Raid. I think they forgot. Which is certainly understandable considering the state that we left things in decades ago. It is amazing how fast history can repeat itself. Although most of Americans do want to bring our troops home, we certainly have an obligation to clean up the mess that we created. There is much to be done in order to restore any sort of groundhog day in the lives of the Iraqi's and they may not have one for some time. As for me, time for bed and time to realize how good it is to wake up to the same old over privileged day. awhhheewww. I gotta stop there. This was quite a rant that ran right off a cliff. If you catch this maniacal post before it is edited you will get quite a treat, or not. Maybe you should have held out for the abridged version. Until, then....................

TIGHT PANTS

I am working at the hospital tonight and notice that my pants are fitting a bit snug. This would be fine if I were wearing cycling shorts, slacks or even jeans. However, I am wearing scrubs. As I sit in my chair I can feel a nice tube of stomach hanging over the top of my pants. Man is this depressing, I haven't even made it through the holidays yet. Oh well, I guess my excuse is I hurt my back and haven't been able to exercise in 5 weeks. The real truth is that during that time I consumed copious amount of both Taco Bell and Old Miluakee Light, I know, sounds delicious doesn't it. I get off work in 45minutes and I am either going running in this icy tundra or heading to the gym. This is ridiculous.

Stuffed

Well, the new beginning has been put on momentary pause as a cold front has moved in and I had 3 courses to cook for a dinner party tonight. First course was a buttnernut squash soup topped with a honeycrisp apple, pancetta, and pecan salad. It was very good and paired well with the Pinot Gris. Second course however, a disaster. The gnocchi was left out at room temperature (my fault) and managed to congeal into one giant gnocchi. Nothing like 5 hours worth of work right down the drain. Oh well, I still had the third course which was beef spiedini and giant Black Chicken Zinfandel that would not disappoint, I know because I didn't make this. The grill wasn't working right as it was a little cold outside (16 degrees) , so the spiedini were baked in the oven. They came out a bit overcooked, which will happen when you concentrate on drinking wine and not watching your food. Good part was I was able to salvage the vodka creme sauce by spooning it over the spiedini and spinkled some finely microplaned parmesean over the top. The dinner was great, I learned a few things, and drank some really great wine. As I was outside freezing tonight walking the dog I saw a jogger run past, it was after 10pm, I realized I should be out there doing the same. So, I will order the necessary equipment this week and try and get out there no matter what and get some miles in.

A new blog, a new beginning

One of the great things about life is the chance each day for a new beginning. At times we feel overwhelmed, trapped, stuck in cyclical chaos. However, when the smoke finally clears we realize that we have the opportunity to change most of our situations in life. It just takes some proper planning and execution. This blog is not really meant for mass consumption. It is not meant to entertain you with wit, sarcasm, or stories of personal triumph. It is for me, a place to put my thoughts onto the page so I can track myself, monitor my state of mind and my state of progress. For quite some time I have been culminating the idea of what I want to mold my life to look like. Ahhh, the ideal state. Of course, it is ridiculous to think that everything is going to turn out just like I plan, it will not. Nonetheless, I shall attempt to create for myself a lifestyle in accordance to what I envision. A life rich in love, health, knowledge, laughter, spirit, and experience. So, without further delay, it is time to close the laptop and do some groundwork.